Jekyll2026-04-27T20:05:39+00:00https://aabel.neocities.org/feed.xmlaabel.neocities.orga whole year of nothing2026-04-27T00:00:00+00:002026-04-27T00:00:00+00:00https://aabel.neocities.org/2026/04/27/a-whole-year-of-nothinghanded in my keys to the residence front desk this noon. before i went to the suite for one last time, i wrote my lat101 exam, and bought poutine at the brown food truck. i had decided to eat my food, for old time’s sake, at the suite in the living room. to my surprise, one of my suitemate had not moved out yet; as i was eating she came out of her living room, where i said my last words to her after we had lived together for the past eight months. only she and someone else still live there. the other four of us had already moved out.

since the first semester began, i don’t think i have grown as a person, not anymore. i think that as with height, mentally you also stop growing at some point. in many ways i was a better and more healthy person eight months ago, than who i am now. in the time between it’s of course been nothing short of torture.

i’m turning nineteen next month; every morning i wake up with dread, wishing that i could stop getting older (which isn’t the same as growing), knowing that i am going to be in my twenties in no time. i’m getting older, but i don’t think i’m getting more mature.

the last time i was glad that it was my birthday was, i think, probably when i was turning fourteen. after that i just kept getting older and older even if i didn’t want to. each year you just age by a bit, and you wish that maybe this time around things will be different. but you’re still the same you, in the exact same miserable meatsuit you’ve been living in. you are still running out of time. your bone plates are fusing together, you wake up with back pain more often than before, and your teeth look more and more screwed up by the year; you can’t fix these mistakes, and they creep up on you before you realize it.

i was looking at my student id after i finished my exam, about to pack up my things before i leave the exam hall. all i could think of at the time, was that: gosh, i look so much older now than when i took this picture.

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